This is the hardest battle you will ever go through and it can be an ongoing battle for some time as you continue to learn more lessons and let go of false realities. All these "new age" "thought leaders" and "spiritual experts" make it sound so easy. They have already gone through it all by the time we often get to their work so from them it sounds so easy. They make it sound like all you have to do is x, y, and z and you're on your way to the good life. Easy peasy right? And it looks that way too because they already have the house, the right partner, a successful business and so forth. But I am here to tell you that in reality it is really f**king hard!! It is heart shattering and mind blowing. It is gut wrenching and devastating. Just when you think you have learned a lot and are doing so much better and things are starting to fall into place, you will be tested, and when you are, it is really hard. It tears you wide open. It hurts, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually all at once. If you can't imagine what that is like, you will find out one day if you choose the path of awareness and consciousness.
I am not telling you this to scare you off, on the contrary, I want you to come to awareness and gain a greater consciousness. This is to forewarn you of what's ahead. But not an invitation to give up. There are times, like this moment right now, where I feel like giving up, I feel like all hope is lost, like nothing I will ever do is right or be "good enough" to get me to where I want to be. The thing that helps keep me going is knowing that I am on my path. Knowing that it takes time to get there. Knowing that this is a process and these experiences are all part of that process. Although it doesn't always make me feel any better in the moment, it does at least prevent me from giving up altogether. Even though giving up at times sounds a whole lot easier. But that is just the point isn't it? This process isn't easy, it's not supposed to be easy, but it is transformational and it is important to one's inner growth.
I am rewiring my brain, I am growing my heart center, I am releasing the darkness that resides within me, I am cutting cords to the past, I am changing the way I think, feel, act, and respond to life. Now that you see it like that, of course it's not easy. That's a lot to do internally,
Recently I have been going through what I would call my third dark night of the soul. I had my first big one four years ago when I was in an abusive marriage and then went through a divorce. That too was heart wrenching and painful in so many ways and lasted for months. But since then I have found that there are more dark nights of the soul to go through, they may not be as big or hard or last as long as the first big one, but there will be more. That is because there is always more to learn, always more to shed light on, always more to let go of and release. I am healing years of wounding that will likely take years to fully dissipate.
In this process I am learning about myself, about who I really am, and who I was brought up to be instead. Realizing what my childhood programming did to my psyche and how to eradicate that from my very being. I am presently going through an inner battle of what I am feeling, why I am feeling it, if my feelings are valid for the present situation or if they are popping up due to an old belief system that was placed on me as a child that really isn't true. It can be a confusing situation to navigate. How do I know if this is all perception or reality? How do I know if what I am feeling is just based on the past and really has nothing to do with the present even though something in my present is presenting this to me? I am expressing my feelings in a way that feels true to me in the moment, but is it really helping the situation or making it worse? All those questions often cause even more fears. I have learned to get really comfortable with my feelings and pay attention to what I am feeling and now I am in the process of figuring out what is real and what is false when it feels really real, but is based on false realities. I know for some of you this may be a little over your head, but perhaps I will go into more detail on some of these concepts in other posts later to help you understand. For now though I am putting this out there for those of you who do know or at least have an idea of what I am talking about, who are going through a similar battle within themselves, to know that they are not alone, that it isn't easy, and to never give up on yourself. No matter how hard it gets.
No matter how many nights I stay up crying, praying, taking to the angels, trying to find answers, trying to feel better, and trying to find myself among the darkness, I know I never want to give up. Not really, even in those moments where I feel hopeless and alone, I remind myself that it will pass, it is all part of the process, and to never give up. I remind myself that I do believe in myself and the path that I am on, regardless of what I feel in that moment.
I am going to get real here, this all started because my boyfriend and I have not been able to see each other in a while due to our schedules. Now that wouldn't be so bad, but we haven't really connected in that time either, sure we have talked, but not deeply, not anything truly meaningful. I get to hear about work, exhaustion and then we're off the phone. That leaves no room for connection. I feel so disconnected that it scared me. All my fears popped up and ran a muck with my emotions. I did not deal with it well. I felt devastated and neglected. But what I am coming to realize is that what I am really feeling are my childhood fears, of being abandoned, of being left alone, of being cast aside, of not being heard, and more. So many fears came up from just one shift in our relationship, and I know this shift isn't permanent. yet it has been terribly emotionally crippling to me internally and sometimes externally as well. Then I try to express myself and my feelings to him and it brings up even more fears, that he will leave me or desire me less because of my less than desirable feelings at this moment. But is that really what's going on? Not likely. The reality is he is just really busy, he is upset at not being able to see me as well, he doesn't like the situation any more than I do. The truth is we are both dealing with it in two very different ways and not communicating it well to each other. I hope over time we will be able to build greater trust and be able to communicate better. That is the whole point of relationship and partnership anyway. It is so our demons come up, to trigger our fears, so that we can bring them to light, and heal them. So I hope as time goes on I will continue to heal these things, shed the light of consciousness on them, and let them go. So these things can no longer hurt my relationships as they have in the past.
The ego is fear, fear comes up because of the ego. It is there because once in your life it protected you so it thinks it is still protecting you by acting out of fear, but unfortunately it only hurts you in the end. We must act from love, and release the fears of the ego, in order to find freedom in life within and without. In order to have strong long lasting relationships that feel connected.
I vow to myself from this day forward, I will not act out in fear, I will choose love.
I will do everything from love, I will speak from love, I will love from a place of love, no longer from a place of fear. Releasing it now. Even as I say those words I know I will have to consciously practice these things in order for it to stick. I believe in myself though and believe in my path. So I will stay true to myself and this journey I am on.
Thoughts anyone? Are you in the battle yourself?
Please share your experiences if you wish so that others will know that are not alone.
Blessings beautiful souls.