What is the dark night of the soul?
Some of you may have already heard this term and some of you may not, either way have you dug deeper to find out what exactly it is? For me it was when I hit rock bottom, when I felt that I almost lost my spirit completely, I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease, I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage, I had terrible insomnia, my body felt like it was shutting down on me, and I felt like my soul was lost. I felt as if my spirit had been squashed right out of me. It was heart breaking, soul shattering, and devastating. It felt terrible. That is one reason it is called the dark night of the soul, it is your darkness at its core, coming out to show itself to you and make you aware of its existence. It is the only way we can get through to the light, we must first embrace our darkness, embrace the truth of ourselves, the good, the bad, and the ugly so to speak. The darkness, the sadness, the pain and fear. When your first dark night of the soul comes along, it is all those things all rolled into one coming out to play all at once, and it hits you hard. I didn't feel like myself anymore, I didn't know myself anymore, I didn't recognize myself in any capacity. That in itself is a scary experience let me tell you.
There is a lot of learning and growing one must do in order to get through the dark night of the soul. Also there are more than once instance when it decides to come to you. It will happen again in smaller doses as you continue on with your growth as well, and I mention this point in another blog post. The point is that in order to find your light, you have to experience your darkness. You have to find and know your truth in that moment before you can heal and be in the light. Then as you forge ahead other lessons will pop up that may not have been addressed or fully healed the first time and you will have another, yet smaller, bout of the dark night of the soul. This process of dark to light and back to dark to get further into the light again will continue until you learn all your lessons and heal your inner wounds.
Have you hit rock bottom, have you experienced the dark night of the soul, or are you in the midst of it now? Please openly share, share your fears, your experience, and your darkness, only then can you begin to heal.
During my experience I found that I was co-dependent and was raised in a dysfunctional family. It's not my family's fault either, they too were raised in dysfunction and beyond through many generations. I found that relationships scare me, mainly because I don't know what a healthy one really looks like or feels like so when I get into one it feels weird and uncomfortable, but I am learning from it and doing much better for it. I found that I married a man exactly like my father, not realizing then what he put my mom through when I was little and still does, even today. It's all they know though so I can't blame them for it. All I can do is learn and grow and forge ahead beyond what they are capable of in their current state of awareness. I have moved through my darkness and continue to do so when other parts of the dark hidden inside me creep up. That is the best we can do. We can only do what we are aware of being able to do and becoming aware of our shadow selves helps us to do more in our lives and heal from the past.
I know now that my ex was only doing the best he knew how, coming from an alcoholic, pill popping father, and a co-dependent mother, he didn't know any better, for him acting the way he did and treating me in those ways were normal. For a time I felt like it was normal as well, until I hit bottom and realized that I deserve so much better and I needed a huge change in my life if I was going to heal and recover from Lyme Disease. If I had stayed in my present state back then I may not be here to tell you this today, I may be in the hospital or on my death bed, with how bad it was getting at the time, but I chose a better way. I got out and worked on healing myself in all ways any way I could. I have learned so much and want to share those lessons with others who are on a similar path, so they too can come through to the other side.
Don't blame anyone for your current circumstances or the experiences you have been through, know that they were only doing the best they knew how in that moment. They didn't have it any better, likely they had it much worse in some regards. Just gain awareness of what is within you and why, learn about your inner self and learn how to react differently and be better in your life. You were meant to go through these things for your own inner growth, and I know that may not sound very fair or nice right now, but once you get through it you will come to understand and be okay with it all, I promise. It took me a while to get here, but I am here now, so I can say it will happen over time if you allow yourself to do the work and heal.
How are you feeling in this moment? Really check in and feel your feelings no matter what comes up.
Are they really your feelings? So often these days the things we often feel are not our own feelings, but the feelings that our parents and others made us believe we had to feel in order to feel safe in this world. These things are not true though, it is not reality, it is the ego protecting you again. Let that all go now.
Take time to check in with yourself daily, journal about what comes up, really get to know who you are at your core. And amazing things will start to happen, after all the pain and the fears get acknowledged and cleared. Know that it is a process and not always a pleasant one, but it is worth it. So don't give up on yourself. You deserve great things in this life no matter where you are in it or what has happened to you in the past. Allow yourself to heal and have what is meant for you.
Do you want or need help getting through a tough time?
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Blessings beautiful souls.