This is going to be a year of realizations and a lot of healing from those realities.
I know this year of 2020 has only barely begun, and yet so much has come to the surface for me as an individual and I want to share in my journey in case any of you are also having similar things come up for you. I heard from energy healers and other light workers that the beginning of the year was going to be a rough one, but as time goes on it'll smooth out and get so much better. I am so looking forward to that part. I am seeing within myself and my life presently the rough stuff coming to the surface, however it's all good that it is coming up and bringing my attention to it, so that I may heal it and forge ahead fresh and new.
Here is the profound realization that I had recently. I put my entire life on hold for an entire year (the whole year of 2019) for a man who could not show up for me. I put it all on hold with the idea in my head that he was the one and that all my hopes and dreams would come true with him. I trusted him and believed in him, until he proved to me time and again that I shouldn't. I had the opportunity to interview at Pilgrim's last summer for a Supplement Sales Position, which would have allowed me the chance to use some of my education, and I talked to him about it and he told me not to do it, because we were moving. Well here we are now, we didn't move together. I didn't move at all and he did, and here I am looking for work yet again, where if I had just taken that job then I would still be there and using my schooling and not have to be looking for another job. Knowing that now really makes me feel bummed out.
I continued listening to him anyway trusting and hoping that eventually it would all work out, only it didn't. Things got worse, we grew further and further apart. We went from having a hard time saying goodbye and walking away from each other, to never seeing each other with no end in sight as to when we might be together again. I can see now that it was all an illusion, it was MY illusion that I bought into hoping and trusting that it was real and true. Only it wasn't. The signs were there somewhat early on, but I didn't want to see them. We almost ended it a few times before, but I wouldn't let it go. I see now that I should have, it might have been better then, to let it go early on before it got to this point. But that's not what happened. I kept holding on, holding on to my hopes and dreams, holding on to the words he'd say to me, even though he kept dropping the ball and showed me constantly that he was never going to follow through on those words. It hurt me every time, and still hurts now.
From this experience I see how much I still need to heal from. I need to learn to trust again. To not only be able to trust others, but also myself. I need to figure out how to trust my choices, to trust my decisions, and to trust that I am able to do things that honor me and are good and right for me. I need to start listening more fully and intently to my intuition and following it instead of holding on to what “could be” or what I want it to be. I need to finally get into a place within myself where I am able to really see things for what they are, in the moment, regardless of my feelings, and act accordingly as needed.
I have found that I love the idea of things more than the actual person, or the actual situation at hand. I love the idea of my hopes and dreams and want them so much to come true, that I have a hard time seeing things for what they are when it becomes obvious that the situation I am in, or the person I am with, just isn't going to make those things happen for me. And that's just it isn't it? No one else can make my hopes and dreams a reality, but me. I have been putting so much energy into the expectation of things to happen by someone else. I kept hoping that he would make those things a reality for me, instead of going out and doing it myself. It's scary to go out and do it all on your own, especially when a big part of your dreams is to be with your perfect partner and build an amazing life with them.
What do I do now? Heal and recognize what I have been doing and start to choose differently. I need to choose myself, instead of the other person. I need to choose my dreams, instead of hoping that someone else will do it for me. There is so much I now need to do for myself since I am now on my own yet again.
It's time to really be open to seeing my beliefs, and how they effect my life.
Whether they are true or false, I need to acknowledge the fact that they exist within me.
Time to change those false beliefs to those that benefit me and are beneficial to me and my dreams.
It's time to fully let go of all of the old to allow in the new.
The truly hopeful,
That is ME.