I wish I knew. How do you let go of feeling so much resentment, cynicism, and a lack of trust? I wish I knew that too. I have done so much healing work for the last eight years and still haven't figured out how to heal my heart and my love life. I have gotten to a place where I generally feel good about life and the world, I feel calm and relaxed and have gotten to where I have a better mindset overall. It's just that my love life is still not right, and frankly not existent at the moment and I believe that's for the best at this time anyway. I am in no place right now to try and date again.
I still attract the wrong kinds of men, and ended things a few months ago with one of the worst ones in a very long time. Why stop talking to me, completely out of the blue? Why not be honest and just say whatever needs to be said and get it over with? Why lie and fill me full of false promises? Again what the hell happened to just being honest? It infuriates me to no end. Honesty is one of the top things I want and need from a man in relationship. For me without that there is no relationship.
I have always felt very optimistic and hopeful about love and always believed that relationships could be amazing and beautiful, but I have recently become cynical and bitter about love. I never thought I would ever become one of those women, but here I am nonetheless.
The thing is this situation is more about me, than it is about the guy I was dating. What I mean by that is that I keep beating myself up for staying in it for so long, for believing the lies, and wanting the dream. I wanted the dream to become real so badly that I stayed in it WAY longer than I should have. l ignored the red flags like I often do because I wanted the relationship to be something so badly.
I just so desperately want to be loved, to be heard, to be seen, to be appreciated, to be cherished, and cared for. I know that sounds really bad, because it even sounds desperate. But I don't believe that wanting those things is bad, because it's not at all. Those are all things most people want out of their relationships.
However, spending a little over a year being lied to, being told false promises that were never ever kept, and being fed a bunch of bullshit that he never intended on following through on has really taken its toll on me, both emotionally and mentally. I basically allowed myself to be negatively programmed to believe the bullshit and get hurt. I now don't know if I'll ever be able to trust again. Being fed lies so long makes it hard to know when someone is actually being genuine, especially since I personally haven't had much experience with the genuine in general when it comes to dating anyway.
I feel like I can no longer believe what anyone ever says to me. They have to act on it or it means nothing. Words alone mean absolutely NOTHING!!!! I have always said that actions speak louder than words, but for whatever reason I wasn't able to hold onto that belief in relationships. I can't help but feel like I allowed this and because of that I can no longer allow it into my life ever again.
If I am meant to be single forever, so be it. I know deep down I am meant to have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, but my track record seems to say otherwise. And I know that feeling so cynical isn't helping my chances right now. This is not a good place to be emotionally for someone wanting to attract a good partner. I have such a strong lack of trust it infuriates me. I feel so angry that I let myself get to this place. I feel so angry at myself for allowing it so long. I feel so upset over all of it.
Then I think about all my other relationships, and have come to find that all of them were dysfunctional in one way or another. Some were much better than others, but they all had something that wasn't right about them, and that's obviously why they never worked.
Will I ever find a lasting love, a meaningful love, a love that lasts a lifetime?
Will I ever get to a place where I can trust and believe in love again?
Will I ever become the woman I am meant to be or will I be stuck here forever just "going through the motions?"
Honestly at this time I don't know.
From where I presently sit it feels like it's going to be a very long time before I can even think about getting to those places, if ever.
Sorry for the glum post this time, but this is were I am at presently and I have always felt strongly about being honest and open about who you are, what you are feeling, and where you are at, even if it's not such a pretty place to be at the time.
Many blessings all.